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Music to my hears! It’s 5:30 pm I haven’t slept since Saturday night and sleep eludes me now. I’m so thankful that my beloved sister thought to help coordinate what would happen when I arrive at the hospital. As you begin to run on Adrenalin sometimes your thought processes aren’t always clear. My thoughts are I just need to get there. However, there are some things you need to think about. Things like my other three children had been waiting on pins and needles for their mother to get back so that I could comfort them, so I could “make it better”, somehow Mom always makes things better even if only being there makes it better. Other considerations, my Mom, we knew she would break down as soon as she say me, we knew that the other children would breakdown and most likely as soon as I say my sister I would breakdown, so how would all these things work? As we had many discussions during the delays we finally decided that my sister Pam would be the one to meet me in the lobby of IU Methodist hospital prior to seeing anyone else. My dearest friend Nila would be the one to pick up at the Indianapolis Airport. So we felt like we had a game plan on how some of the evening would work. My children needless to say weren’t in agreement with all this but they were respectful. All they wanted was Mom and as soon as my two feet hit Indiana soil they wanted access!

I may not have mentioned that my dear friends in Mexico took such good care of the details for me. I wouldn’t have been on the plane had Jeanne & Brian not booked the flight gotten me in the cab and gotten me to the airport. I can breath…..well maybe for a minute. Jeanne is a dear friend of mine that is also a nurse she lovingly has prepared me for what my son is going to look like. You see she and I have worked in hospice together for years. She so gently says to me before I left. “Now you know what you are going to see when you get there right?”

“Yes, I know.”

“It’s different when it’s you own. Just remember that when you walk in his room ok?”

“I’ll try” tears welling in my eyes.

Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take off. Reality has a way of snapping you back. As we lift off I feel so many emotions, relief, stress, anxiousness, fear of the unknown, and a sense of gratefulness. Grateful God is God and I’m not.

Seeing Nila standing at the end of the escalator was such a welcomed feeling. Sometimes a hug from a dear friend just helps, but I can’t break down now I’m still on a mission. I must get to the hospital it’s almost 6:15. From 7 pm to 8 pm you can’t see the patient on the Neuro ICU because it’s shift change. The game plan is to get there before to see Josh. God give me strength! Let me provide what the children need.

IU Methodist is within sight! Dear God give the strength I need!  My Dad spent so much time here only 2 years ago and now we are here with Josh. All the memories! Help me Jesus! As I walk down this hallway I have envisioned Josh and what to expect. The tubes the IV’s the monitors, the bruising, the swelling, everything I could think of just to prepare myself.  Prepare for the worse hope for the best. Control your emotions so that you can be strong for the children.  They need you. You can do this. You can hold it together. You can draw strength from the source! He will give you all that you need to get through this. Let them draw from you, you draw from HIM. Remember Phil 4:14 I can do things through Christ who strengthens Me. Don’t fail me now Lord!

Then I see my sister. She wraps her arms around me and I totally lose it! I had not cried I had not allowed myself to shed any tears I had been strong I had held it together. I had managed somehow to get to this point without any real break down. But not now. The tears flowed. It was not pretty. But it was necessary. It was perfect! It needed to be God’s timing and it needed to be private. I needed it to be just be Pam and Nila. When I was able to pull myself together again I cleaned my face up and pulled it together and now I could face the world again. It was 7:00. The doors of the elevator opened and my three children run to me, grab me and just break down. All three in my arms, hugging tightly, lots of crying a lot of letting them know that it will be alright. Because I had the time before I was able to comfort them and allow them the time release all the things they had to deal with when I was away.  My beautiful family didn’t leave my children the entire time I was away. Yes the entire time. My Mom, my sister and brother in-law (Pam & Alan), my brother and sister in-law (Jeff & Kathy), my nieces and nephews were all there to support them.

Now the time has arrived to see my son. God give me the strength to do this!

I feel like I’m going to suffocate! As we enter the Neuro ICU the rooms are single rooms with nurses sitting on bar stools just outside the rooms. You hear the monitors beeping in each room. Various rhythms, alarms going off, and finally his room. The nurse approaches…..